Boy

Stand up straight, boy!...I wince... he's home then.

Tuck your shirt! Why can't I wear it like this? That look from him and my eyes sting, vision getting blurry. Yes sir! I surrender...

Wipe your face! Nobody likes a crybaby! Yes sir! I do as I'm told

"Shh, Dry your eyes..." a voice from the distance. The voice I know and trust. This voice I love! Gentle voice, always soothing, never demanding....

Don't hit your sister! But she was the one who...

Shut your mouth! Yes sir!

Wipe your hands! Yes sir! Biting my tounge...

Turn off the TV! Yes sir! Always biting my tounge...

Get a job! This IS my job, father! This is my job...merely a whisper. That look again and I'm defeated.

Turn it down! But mom just wanted to hear our new demos...her smile always apologetic and she's out of the room... leaving me alone with him... always alone...

Find a girl! We don't have time for girls... there's lot to do with the band and I love what we're doing... I love making music, father!

Do you call that music?! Use your sense! Silence is all I have left by now... no more tears, no more words...silence

Cut your hair! Shot over his shoulder and he's gone from the room. I'm numb inside, take the machine. No emotions just low buzzing and I shave them off. All of them... are you happy now, father?!

Use your name, boy! My name? You mean your name?

Rule the world! I'm not like you...I don't ever want to be like you...God I hate that look! It always makes me feel so small, so weak. Keep it inside...Nobody likes a crybaby... see? I'm learning!

Shut your mouth! Yes sir!

What's is your problem! You!?!! I wish I had the courage to say that... I wish I could say what I think, how I feel...

Cat caught your tongue?! You wouldn't understand. You never understand...

Don't get me angry, boy! Too late for that, don't you think? You're always angry...

"Baby... baby... shh..." that voice again. That's the only voice I like to hear. The only voice that can calm me down. Never angry. Never accusing. I love this voice. I love him!

Keep the noise down! Leave me alone! I'm not a boy anymore!

Lift some weights! I'll do as I please...

Win the race! I can't fight that look of his. Always surrender...Yes sir!

Everybody likes a winner! Yes sir!

Ace the test! Yes sir!

Find a girl! Yes sir!

Buy a home! Yes sir!

Clean your plates! Yes sir!

Settle down! Yes sir!

Eat your vegetable! Yes sir!

Keep your feelings deep inside! Yes sir!

Don't be late! Yes sir!

Don't make me use it! You'll do it anyway... always...

Don't make me angry! Never good enough... never...

------------------------------------------------------

I wake with a startle, covered in sweat. He's looking at me with his gorgeous eyes. The one with the voice I love. He looks worried. His fingers running through my hair. I'm just looking at him and he's looking at me and I know he understands.

"You okay?" he whisperes.

"Yeah," my voice is hoars from sleep, "just a nightmare."

He just nods, knowing that no words are needed. Keeps stroking my hair, still looking at me. What would I do without him? He has always been there for me, telling me that whatever I do is okay. So unlike my father. We never fight. So unlike my father. He loves me. So unlike my...

"I love you!" I tell him, not afraid to show my feelings. He'd never disapprove.

"I love you too!" he smiles and kisses me gently. God I love this boy.

I close my eyes and feel him wrap himself around my body. The sleep is taking over. No more yelling. My father is not here. My baby boy is. He's all I need.

"Baby boy...  shh... go to sleep... shh... go to sleep... shh..."

A/N: The story is built on the lyrics of "Boy" by Darren Hayes.

Tell him!

How long has it been now? 4 years? Almost 5? And still he doesn't know, does he? I think he suspects though. Everyone does.... so why can't you just say it? I know it isn't always easy to admit your feelings to everyone else around, but it will make you feel better. I promise.

You are probably wondering how do I know? I know because I know you. Sometimes I think I know you too well. I know that he has managed to get under your skin without you noticing. If only you would've known you two would end up like this, you would've pushed him away from the beginning, right?

I wish you would accept that no one would judge you if you did tell him the truth. No one would think any less of you. Vice versa... they all would be proud of you. Because everyone knows, it is okay to be human every once in a while. Even superheros have secret identities, you know.

I love you to bits, and I know that you love him even more, so just tell him!

Nothing is what it seems

Sometimes I get really scared ´cos I`m reminded how short life is. You`re there one moment and everything is perfect. The next moment you are no more.

When you go, there isn`t much left behind. At first there is loss and pain, yes. Suddenly you, your life and most of all your death is everyones business. There are memories of you, sweet and lovely stories are told about you as if no one remembers the bad times. As soon as you`ve passed on, it`s as if you were this flawless person everyone loved. How come you weren`t that during your life???

Believe me all of it is temporary. The pain, the memories... they are all temporary, just like life itself. It won`t last forever. Eventually you`ll be forgotten and no one even remembers your name or the fact that once you were part of this world.

I`m not saying it is right. I`m saying it`s sad. And it is sad that you are gone even if soon we forget that you were at all.

Silence is a scary sound

I've been watching you through years now. Watching and observing and noticing.

Years back, when you two first met, I remember the way he kept looking at you. He kept giving you random hugs. He always wanted to be right next to you, looking for your closeness. All the hugs and him telling he was in love with you, he often passed on as jokes, to avoid awkward moments. Everyone laughed, including him. His laugh was always different from others' though. It wasn't joyful, it wasn't sincere. It was a nervous laugh.

The way he could stare at you for long moments hardly even blinking. The way he always stood up for you, always helping you out with things. The look on his face when he hugged you, closing his eyes and embracing the moment. I wondered if you ever noticed it or were you just as blind as others.

Then it all stopped. You were still close friends but there were no looks, public or sneaky. There were no random hugs. There were no jokes about you two being together. There was no looking for your closeness. All there was, was silence. I got scared. I got scared that he had given up on you. I got scared that he had decided to move on. I got scared that maybe something happened between you. Did he confront you and did you turn him down? I wanted to do something. I wanted to go up to him and tell him to have more faith in you. I wanted to tell him not to give up until he has open your eyes. I couldn't. I had made a promise to myself not to intervene. After all this was not my life.

Time passed. It seemed like an eternity. I was starting to lose hope. It was as if my happiness depended on you two being together. It hurt. It hurt hearing the silence between you.

Suddenly something caught my eye. I was surprised to see you on the end that he had been all this time ago. I noticed you staring at him longingly, often missing out the conversations in the group. I noticed you looking for his closeness. I noticed the sadness in your eyes when he didn't as much as acknowledge you. So there was nothing but silence. You neververbalizedyourthoughts, your feelings. It was scaring me because I thought you should have said something. I thought it would have been the only way to make you stop hurting. Then you acted. You decided to take a new approach. You were the only one laughing at his unfunny jokes. You started supporting him and agreeing with him in everything. You wanted to show him that no matter what, he'd have you by his side.  A new hope rose within me. However, there was still no reaction from him. It seemed as if he didn't notice you at all.

He tried so hard to fight the feeling he still had deep inside. The feeling he had had for you for all these years. He thought they were well hidden and forgotten, but he was wrong. Soon the jealousy was visible in his eyes, when someone else got too close to you. Soon he started to warm up to your little acts of affection. Soon he started smiling back at you with the way he used to.

I wasn't scared anymore. I saw you both happy. Finally you both came clean about your devotion to each other. Even though there was silence again, this silence wasn't scary. This silence was warm and comforting, proving that you were made foreach other. This silence meant that finally you had reached the point where you didn't need words to communicate.

I'm happy about you and I hope the scary silece never returns!

Wish you all the best

"I wish you all the best!" The last words from you.

You might not know it, you might not believe it, but that hurt. Everything you said today hurt. At first I just got frustrated because of your rants. The more you attacked and accused, the more I realized it came from inside. You really meant everything you said.

You've done it before. You've blamed me for ridiculous things. I let it slip by all the time, because I know there's more to you than that. I've seen the inner beauty that you are so keen to hide. However, I never would have believed that you'd go this far. I feel as if you wanted to hurt me because you didn't want to be the only one in pain.

So this is it. "I wish you all the best!" and our paths go apart? If that makes you happy. I'll give up. I won't say a word and I won't fight. You won! I guess that's what you aimed for.

I want you to know this:I will miss you!You were a great friend. I hope you find the help you need. I hope that someone will open your eyes. I hope you'll see your mistakes and I hope you will regret them.

I wish you all the best!If you change you're mind, you know where to find me!

Sorry's not good enough

So tell me, why is it always me? Why does my word mean nothing? Why is everything always my fault? Why is my sorry never good enough?

I'm tired of feeling guilty for nothing. I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of always taking the blame. I'm tired of apologizing for things I haven't done or said. I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being attacked for no reason. I'm tired of proving my intentions.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I fight back? Should I just let it go and move on? Should I impose upon the same measures as others use on me? Should I become as mean as others? Should I attack back? Should I blame others?

I wish I wouldn't have to think about things like that. I wish I could just live my life in peace.I don't even care if that sounds selfish because I believe I deserve a bit of selfishness for all the sh*t I've been through.

The dream

Tonight I visited You in my dream...or was it Your dream. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that we were there - together. It felt so right.

It was pitch-black outside when I entered Your room. I could see the silhouette of Your body rising and falling as You breathed soundlessly. Carefully I stepped closer not wanting to wake You from the peaceful sleep. I stopped right next to Your bed and just stood there watching You. A smile formed on my lips - it always does when I see You or think of You.

I was already very close to You and yet I felt that You were too far away. Without a sound I crawled under Your blanket and laid down right next to You. You stirred a bit and I froze, holding my breath. You mumbled something in Your sleep and it only made me smile wider.

I watched the moonlight playing on Your beautiful face. I watched the shadows, the shapes, the colors. I wanted to feel the perfection of You. Slowly I raised my hand to Your untroubled face but I stopped before my hand came in contact with it. Tenderly I touched Your cheek with only two of my fingers and I felt the light tingle in them as I caressed the soft surface. I needed more. I needed to claim Your lips with the sweetest kiss but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I did so You would have woken up. I wasn't ready to lose the moment so soon.

Instead I brushed away the lock of hair that had fallen to Your eye. Gently I fondled Your cheek, scared that if my touch was a bit stronger I would have broken You. I was unable to take off my hand from Your face, so that's where it stayed.

I laid my head on Your chest and listened to Your breathing. Steadily we rose up and fell down in perfect harmony. I heard Your soothing heartbeats. I tried to hear mine as well but I couldn't. Our hearts were beating as one.

I wished for the moment never to end because this was where I belonged. This was where and how I was supposed to be.

But then You woke up...or was it me.... Now there is million miles between us again. I'm left with a mere memory of this dream and a hope that soon this will be our reality...