My worst habit

I have many bad habits. But one of them is much worse than the others. You are my worse habit.

I only realised it few days ago. It had been a long time since I last saw You. I was doing fine until that day. I was doing fine without You. I managed to forget about us. I managed to live a new life. I even managed to be happy again.

Then I came back here. It didn't even cross my mind that I could run into You, but I did. From that moment the past came back to haunt me. It brought back the shame, the pain and regret.

You hadn't changed, well maybe just a bit. You looked me in the eyes and You saw how I've changed and You didn't even smile. After all these years You're still angry, still in denial, still unforgiving. You are right - I have changed. I am not near the naive, innocent girl You met back then. But I still love You - deep in heart I always will.

I'm sorry for what i did, and what I didn't do. I'm sorry for what I said, and didn't say. And I'm sorry I left like I did. I was hoping You would understand, I guess I shouldn't have.

So now, seeing You after all these years, I realised that You've become my worst habit. When I see You walking on the street, I walk with You, watching You. Remembering Your moves, Your rituals, Your ways. And I want to be part of it all again even though I know I never will be because I lack the courage to face You.

I've lied to You and I've lied to myself. But You need to understand that I needed to grow and for that I needed to leave. I have to leave again, but this time I don't want to return. This place is cursed for me. It is cursed to torture me. Everytime I'm here, I see You and I remember how You said that I'm a sinner. And it hurts because it's the truth.