Shadows of the past

Lately I have had trouble with sleeping. Every night I lay sleeplessly in my bed because as soon as I close my eyes, I see faces from the past.  I see their unfriendly eyes, their mocking smirks. I hear what they used to say to me. I see what they used to do to me. And I wonder if it is because of them I am so f*cked up? Is it because of them I can not get any peace?

Every time I think that things can not get any better, I get the visions of them and I break down once again.

I have never told anyone about what they did or what they said. I wonder if it would have made any difference if I had. Would I be normal? I wonder if it would change anything if I told someone now?

It is painful to remember these things that I want to forget so badly. And yet I can not help but to remember....their faces, their evil laughter, their pointing fingers, the pain, the humiliation... I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get away. I wanted to dissapear... I was too weak.

But now, there are no pointing fingers. Even their faces have changed. And I wonder if they remember or have they forgotten?

I wish I could forget. I should forget because I have a new life. I am happy now. And yet I can not forget as these scars run way too deep in my soul. They still tend to hurt when I least expect it.

I just wish my life had been different. I wish it had not been me. I wish I could be normal....