Boy

Stand up straight, boy!...I wince... he's home then.

Tuck your shirt! Why can't I wear it like this? That look from him and my eyes sting, vision getting blurry. Yes sir! I surrender...

Wipe your face! Nobody likes a crybaby! Yes sir! I do as I'm told

"Shh, Dry your eyes..." a voice from the distance. The voice I know and trust. This voice I love! Gentle voice, always soothing, never demanding....

Don't hit your sister! But she was the one who...

Shut your mouth! Yes sir!

Wipe your hands! Yes sir! Biting my tounge...

Turn off the TV! Yes sir! Always biting my tounge...

Get a job! This IS my job, father! This is my job...merely a whisper. That look again and I'm defeated.

Turn it down! But mom just wanted to hear our new demos...her smile always apologetic and she's out of the room... leaving me alone with him... always alone...

Find a girl! We don't have time for girls... there's lot to do with the band and I love what we're doing... I love making music, father!

Do you call that music?! Use your sense! Silence is all I have left by now... no more tears, no more words...silence

Cut your hair! Shot over his shoulder and he's gone from the room. I'm numb inside, take the machine. No emotions just low buzzing and I shave them off. All of them... are you happy now, father?!

Use your name, boy! My name? You mean your name?

Rule the world! I'm not like you...I don't ever want to be like you...God I hate that look! It always makes me feel so small, so weak. Keep it inside...Nobody likes a crybaby... see? I'm learning!

Shut your mouth! Yes sir!

What's is your problem! You!?!! I wish I had the courage to say that... I wish I could say what I think, how I feel...

Cat caught your tongue?! You wouldn't understand. You never understand...

Don't get me angry, boy! Too late for that, don't you think? You're always angry...

"Baby... baby... shh..." that voice again. That's the only voice I like to hear. The only voice that can calm me down. Never angry. Never accusing. I love this voice. I love him!

Keep the noise down! Leave me alone! I'm not a boy anymore!

Lift some weights! I'll do as I please...

Win the race! I can't fight that look of his. Always surrender...Yes sir!

Everybody likes a winner! Yes sir!

Ace the test! Yes sir!

Find a girl! Yes sir!

Buy a home! Yes sir!

Clean your plates! Yes sir!

Settle down! Yes sir!

Eat your vegetable! Yes sir!

Keep your feelings deep inside! Yes sir!

Don't be late! Yes sir!

Don't make me use it! You'll do it anyway... always...

Don't make me angry! Never good enough... never...

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I wake with a startle, covered in sweat. He's looking at me with his gorgeous eyes. The one with the voice I love. He looks worried. His fingers running through my hair. I'm just looking at him and he's looking at me and I know he understands.

"You okay?" he whisperes.

"Yeah," my voice is hoars from sleep, "just a nightmare."

He just nods, knowing that no words are needed. Keeps stroking my hair, still looking at me. What would I do without him? He has always been there for me, telling me that whatever I do is okay. So unlike my father. We never fight. So unlike my father. He loves me. So unlike my...

"I love you!" I tell him, not afraid to show my feelings. He'd never disapprove.

"I love you too!" he smiles and kisses me gently. God I love this boy.

I close my eyes and feel him wrap himself around my body. The sleep is taking over. No more yelling. My father is not here. My baby boy is. He's all I need.

"Baby boy...  shh... go to sleep... shh... go to sleep... shh..."

A/N: The story is built on the lyrics of "Boy" by Darren Hayes.

Tell him!

How long has it been now? 4 years? Almost 5? And still he doesn't know, does he? I think he suspects though. Everyone does.... so why can't you just say it? I know it isn't always easy to admit your feelings to everyone else around, but it will make you feel better. I promise.

You are probably wondering how do I know? I know because I know you. Sometimes I think I know you too well. I know that he has managed to get under your skin without you noticing. If only you would've known you two would end up like this, you would've pushed him away from the beginning, right?

I wish you would accept that no one would judge you if you did tell him the truth. No one would think any less of you. Vice versa... they all would be proud of you. Because everyone knows, it is okay to be human every once in a while. Even superheros have secret identities, you know.

I love you to bits, and I know that you love him even more, so just tell him!

Nothing is what it seems

Sometimes I get really scared ´cos I`m reminded how short life is. You`re there one moment and everything is perfect. The next moment you are no more.

When you go, there isn`t much left behind. At first there is loss and pain, yes. Suddenly you, your life and most of all your death is everyones business. There are memories of you, sweet and lovely stories are told about you as if no one remembers the bad times. As soon as you`ve passed on, it`s as if you were this flawless person everyone loved. How come you weren`t that during your life???

Believe me all of it is temporary. The pain, the memories... they are all temporary, just like life itself. It won`t last forever. Eventually you`ll be forgotten and no one even remembers your name or the fact that once you were part of this world.

I`m not saying it is right. I`m saying it`s sad. And it is sad that you are gone even if soon we forget that you were at all.

Silence is a scary sound

I've been watching you through years now. Watching and observing and noticing.

Years back, when you two first met, I remember the way he kept looking at you. He kept giving you random hugs. He always wanted to be right next to you, looking for your closeness. All the hugs and him telling he was in love with you, he often passed on as jokes, to avoid awkward moments. Everyone laughed, including him. His laugh was always different from others' though. It wasn't joyful, it wasn't sincere. It was a nervous laugh.

The way he could stare at you for long moments hardly even blinking. The way he always stood up for you, always helping you out with things. The look on his face when he hugged you, closing his eyes and embracing the moment. I wondered if you ever noticed it or were you just as blind as others.

Then it all stopped. You were still close friends but there were no looks, public or sneaky. There were no random hugs. There were no jokes about you two being together. There was no looking for your closeness. All there was, was silence. I got scared. I got scared that he had given up on you. I got scared that he had decided to move on. I got scared that maybe something happened between you. Did he confront you and did you turn him down? I wanted to do something. I wanted to go up to him and tell him to have more faith in you. I wanted to tell him not to give up until he has open your eyes. I couldn't. I had made a promise to myself not to intervene. After all this was not my life.

Time passed. It seemed like an eternity. I was starting to lose hope. It was as if my happiness depended on you two being together. It hurt. It hurt hearing the silence between you.

Suddenly something caught my eye. I was surprised to see you on the end that he had been all this time ago. I noticed you staring at him longingly, often missing out the conversations in the group. I noticed you looking for his closeness. I noticed the sadness in your eyes when he didn't as much as acknowledge you. So there was nothing but silence. You neververbalizedyourthoughts, your feelings. It was scaring me because I thought you should have said something. I thought it would have been the only way to make you stop hurting. Then you acted. You decided to take a new approach. You were the only one laughing at his unfunny jokes. You started supporting him and agreeing with him in everything. You wanted to show him that no matter what, he'd have you by his side.  A new hope rose within me. However, there was still no reaction from him. It seemed as if he didn't notice you at all.

He tried so hard to fight the feeling he still had deep inside. The feeling he had had for you for all these years. He thought they were well hidden and forgotten, but he was wrong. Soon the jealousy was visible in his eyes, when someone else got too close to you. Soon he started to warm up to your little acts of affection. Soon he started smiling back at you with the way he used to.

I wasn't scared anymore. I saw you both happy. Finally you both came clean about your devotion to each other. Even though there was silence again, this silence wasn't scary. This silence was warm and comforting, proving that you were made foreach other. This silence meant that finally you had reached the point where you didn't need words to communicate.

I'm happy about you and I hope the scary silece never returns!

Wish you all the best

"I wish you all the best!" The last words from you.

You might not know it, you might not believe it, but that hurt. Everything you said today hurt. At first I just got frustrated because of your rants. The more you attacked and accused, the more I realized it came from inside. You really meant everything you said.

You've done it before. You've blamed me for ridiculous things. I let it slip by all the time, because I know there's more to you than that. I've seen the inner beauty that you are so keen to hide. However, I never would have believed that you'd go this far. I feel as if you wanted to hurt me because you didn't want to be the only one in pain.

So this is it. "I wish you all the best!" and our paths go apart? If that makes you happy. I'll give up. I won't say a word and I won't fight. You won! I guess that's what you aimed for.

I want you to know this:I will miss you!You were a great friend. I hope you find the help you need. I hope that someone will open your eyes. I hope you'll see your mistakes and I hope you will regret them.

I wish you all the best!If you change you're mind, you know where to find me!

Sorry's not good enough

So tell me, why is it always me? Why does my word mean nothing? Why is everything always my fault? Why is my sorry never good enough?

I'm tired of feeling guilty for nothing. I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of always taking the blame. I'm tired of apologizing for things I haven't done or said. I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being attacked for no reason. I'm tired of proving my intentions.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I fight back? Should I just let it go and move on? Should I impose upon the same measures as others use on me? Should I become as mean as others? Should I attack back? Should I blame others?

I wish I wouldn't have to think about things like that. I wish I could just live my life in peace.I don't even care if that sounds selfish because I believe I deserve a bit of selfishness for all the sh*t I've been through.

The dream

Tonight I visited You in my dream...or was it Your dream. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that we were there - together. It felt so right.

It was pitch-black outside when I entered Your room. I could see the silhouette of Your body rising and falling as You breathed soundlessly. Carefully I stepped closer not wanting to wake You from the peaceful sleep. I stopped right next to Your bed and just stood there watching You. A smile formed on my lips - it always does when I see You or think of You.

I was already very close to You and yet I felt that You were too far away. Without a sound I crawled under Your blanket and laid down right next to You. You stirred a bit and I froze, holding my breath. You mumbled something in Your sleep and it only made me smile wider.

I watched the moonlight playing on Your beautiful face. I watched the shadows, the shapes, the colors. I wanted to feel the perfection of You. Slowly I raised my hand to Your untroubled face but I stopped before my hand came in contact with it. Tenderly I touched Your cheek with only two of my fingers and I felt the light tingle in them as I caressed the soft surface. I needed more. I needed to claim Your lips with the sweetest kiss but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I did so You would have woken up. I wasn't ready to lose the moment so soon.

Instead I brushed away the lock of hair that had fallen to Your eye. Gently I fondled Your cheek, scared that if my touch was a bit stronger I would have broken You. I was unable to take off my hand from Your face, so that's where it stayed.

I laid my head on Your chest and listened to Your breathing. Steadily we rose up and fell down in perfect harmony. I heard Your soothing heartbeats. I tried to hear mine as well but I couldn't. Our hearts were beating as one.

I wished for the moment never to end because this was where I belonged. This was where and how I was supposed to be.

But then You woke up...or was it me.... Now there is million miles between us again. I'm left with a mere memory of this dream and a hope that soon this will be our reality...

Bang! Bang!

We were standing in his room. I was by the window right next to his bed which was messy and piled with unneccesary stuff.

"So unlike him," I thought to myself. He was standing across the room by his desk. The top drawer where he had taken the gun was still open.

 

We had been staring at each other for a while. Neither of us spoke. He was pointing the gun at me. I always knew he was fragile and easily breakable. I had no idea what had driven him into this madness.

"Honey, please. Put the gun down and tell me what's wrong." How come I hadn't seen the fiasco coming!?

Everything had been perfect in the morning and even now, 15 minutes ago when he opened the door for me, he seemed to be at his best. However, I recall a different look in his eyes now, as if there was something he wanted to tell me but decided not to. Now his face had changed totally. I've never seen him like that. He was so broken... Even from the other end of the room I saw his eyes fill with tears. 

"Hun, come on," I said softly to get contact with him. I wasn't scared, not at all.

 

"You lied to me," he finally whispered. 

"I trusted you. You promised to tell me if there was something going on....but you never did...I saw you...with THEM!" His eyes were so sad. I realised then that it was his paranoia about being cheated on and everybody leaving him.

 

"Baby, I've never lied to you. There is absolutely nothing going on. They are just friends and you know that," I once more tried to calm him down.

 

"LIAR!! I SAW THEM!!" he yelled at me. 

"WHY is it so hard to love me? I'm not a bad person. Why can't you people just fucking love me?!!" I was losing my temper, I always did when it came to his paranoia tantrum about not being loved. 

"We do love you! You just choose not to see it! Now put away the gun, we both know there are no bullets in it anyw.." BANG!!! 

I felt the warm wind as the bullet shot past my head and through the window. Funny how the breaking of the glass made so much louder nois that the gun. Everything seemed to happen in slowmotion. I turned around and looked at the hole in the window and then back at him. His face was frozen with shock. He fell on the floor and started sobbing violently. The next moment someone stormed into the room. It was Simon, who looked at me in terror but my eyes never left the shaking sobbing body on the floor.

At that moment I was scared, I was scared to death. Not my life but his....

Shadows of the past

Lately I have had trouble with sleeping. Every night I lay sleeplessly in my bed because as soon as I close my eyes, I see faces from the past.  I see their unfriendly eyes, their mocking smirks. I hear what they used to say to me. I see what they used to do to me. And I wonder if it is because of them I am so f*cked up? Is it because of them I can not get any peace?

Every time I think that things can not get any better, I get the visions of them and I break down once again.

I have never told anyone about what they did or what they said. I wonder if it would have made any difference if I had. Would I be normal? I wonder if it would change anything if I told someone now?

It is painful to remember these things that I want to forget so badly. And yet I can not help but to remember....their faces, their evil laughter, their pointing fingers, the pain, the humiliation... I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get away. I wanted to dissapear... I was too weak.

But now, there are no pointing fingers. Even their faces have changed. And I wonder if they remember or have they forgotten?

I wish I could forget. I should forget because I have a new life. I am happy now. And yet I can not forget as these scars run way too deep in my soul. They still tend to hurt when I least expect it.

I just wish my life had been different. I wish it had not been me. I wish I could be normal....

My worst habit

I have many bad habits. But one of them is much worse than the others. You are my worse habit.

I only realised it few days ago. It had been a long time since I last saw You. I was doing fine until that day. I was doing fine without You. I managed to forget about us. I managed to live a new life. I even managed to be happy again.

Then I came back here. It didn't even cross my mind that I could run into You, but I did. From that moment the past came back to haunt me. It brought back the shame, the pain and regret.

You hadn't changed, well maybe just a bit. You looked me in the eyes and You saw how I've changed and You didn't even smile. After all these years You're still angry, still in denial, still unforgiving. You are right - I have changed. I am not near the naive, innocent girl You met back then. But I still love You - deep in heart I always will.

I'm sorry for what i did, and what I didn't do. I'm sorry for what I said, and didn't say. And I'm sorry I left like I did. I was hoping You would understand, I guess I shouldn't have.

So now, seeing You after all these years, I realised that You've become my worst habit. When I see You walking on the street, I walk with You, watching You. Remembering Your moves, Your rituals, Your ways. And I want to be part of it all again even though I know I never will be because I lack the courage to face You.

I've lied to You and I've lied to myself. But You need to understand that I needed to grow and for that I needed to leave. I have to leave again, but this time I don't want to return. This place is cursed for me. It is cursed to torture me. Everytime I'm here, I see You and I remember how You said that I'm a sinner. And it hurts because it's the truth.

Monster

You say that I'm aMonster, that I'm evil!! How about yourself? Aren't you a Monster? Have you even looked at yourself in the mirror lately?

Your skin is dry-gray, there are awful dark circles around your eyes. And there's absolutely nothing left in your once so amazingly beautiful eyes - they are empty. And even though I can see that you've been crying, there's no sadness in your eyes - your eyes are just dead!

I'm aMonsterbecause of how I treat other people. Let's talk about your deeds. I'd say you are aMonsterfor what you do to yourself. Your arms are like cuttingboards. New wounds mix with old scars and it's terrifying.

Do you even know how I felt when I found you in the bathroom the other day? You were sitting in the corner, tears running down your face silently, you were still holding the bloody razorblade...Blood from the new cuts on your arms was dripping on the floor...

I didn't know what to do. What to say. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was so angry at you.

WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME?

WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING TALK TO ME?

DON'T SAY I WON'T UNDERSTAND!

YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME A CHANCE!

YOU'RE DESTROYING YOURSELF!!!

YOU ARE THE MONSTER!!

YOU HEAR ME??

YOU ARE THE FUCKING MONSTER!!!

STOP IT!

STOP IT!

....just stop it...please.

Rain

I'm standing on a rooftop of an unknown building, looking over the city I don't belong to. I can't remember getting here but then again I guess it doesn't matter.

 

I'm standing on the very edge of the roof. I look down and it's a long way. I've always been afraid of heights. Not now. I'm not scared anymore, not a bit.

 

My gaze is drawn to the sky. It's filling up with dark and threathening clouds. I smile and hope that there will be lightning. I like lightning and thunder.

 

I close my eyes. Soft breez is ruffleing my hair. And then it starts to rain. Drop after drop is falling on my face. My smile is growing wider. I love rain. It's so soothing.

 

I'm standing on the edge of the roof, far from the problems on the ground and rain is softly caressing my skin. It is washing away my tears, my pain. It is washing away my guilt, my sins.

 

I'm soked to the bone. Rain is dripping from my nose, my hair, my fingers. I'm feeling light and yet so tired. The sound of the rain is like a sweet lullaby hushing me to peaceful sleep. And I'm ready. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to leave it all behind.

 

I'm letting the rain wash me away. I'm falling with the rain to the beauty of Unknown.

No more

It's strange how time changes us. In time we do things we never thought we'd do, we say things we never imagined we'd say and we love people we never knew we could love. It happened to us as well.

I remember when we were young, just a couple of teenagers, we used to hate each other. Couldn't stand the sight of one another. We used to spit threats and insults towards the other. Several times we even got to the physical violence. It was pure hatred  I remember I saw it reflect from your eyes. My loath for you mixed with your hate for me in your deep blue eyes.....

Time passed. I saw you doing something...something that meant a lot to me, even though I hated you. Or it was something that you didn't do really....But at that moment I said to myself: "He might not be that bad after all!" I wanted to let you know what I was thinking, but you were gone and I couldn't find you...anywhere. I let it go. Or so thought.

Suddenly everyone was talking about you...they were saying that they've seen you. They were talking about what happened between you and your father...how you were disowned because you chose not to be like him. I thought it was regular gossip. However, I was wrong as I found out when our paths crossed again.

It was hard to recognize you. You had grown, you looked tired and worn out and you didn't have that famous smirk on your face. All I could see was sadness, loneliness and fear. I wanted to give you another chance. Everyone wanted to know why? I couldn't answer them because I didn't know why. There was something in me that moved into place the moment I saw you again. I realized that I had missed you.

We started all over - you and me. This time we tried to get to know more about each other. I never knew we had so much in common. I never knew that you could be sad, afraid...lonely. I never knew that you didn't like the way things were in your family, in your life. I didn't know you at all. It was reflection of your father in you that I had hated so much when we were young.

I fell in love. I fell in love with you...in real you. I loved the way you talked to me making faces and throwing you hands in the air. I loved the way you listened to me  remembering every little thing I said. I loved the way you touched me...no matter if it was a friendly punch on the shoulder or a comforting hug. I loved the way you noticed everything about me - what I wanted, what I needed, what I was thinking. But most of all I loved the way you smiled. I had never seen you smile before. I loved you for being happy.

I knew I had all these feeling in me but I never dared to show them to you. I was afraid you didn't feel the same way about me. I didn't really care because I loved to love you without getting anything back. However, I promised myself that eventually I will tell you. But you were faster. I'll never forget our first kiss. It was like magic. Time around us stopped at that very moment. It was more than perfect. I was happy being together with you. I loved the one I used to loath.

Now it's over. They didn't want me to be happy. They took you from me. I still remember the blood that had reddened your shirt. I remember tears flickering in your eyes. "I'm sorry, love," you said over and over again. And then you were no more. For a moment I hated you once again. I hated you for leaving me behind. I hated you for being so selfish and not taking me with you. But looking at your face, your beautiful peaceful and fearless face,  I loved you. "I'll miss you...." I whispered to you and I was happy because you were gone from this dreadful place full of lies, hatred and dishonesty.

But I still love you even though you are no more.....